After being told that the narrative had to start with us pulling up in a car outside a building, we then had to describe what the car door sounds like when opened and what the character did following the descriptions our lecturer gave us. These included how it feels when they step onto the ground, what the outside of the building looks like compared to the inside plus describing what the character sees below after taking three steps forward.
I felt as if my writing and the story itself developed as I wrote it since I was only given descriptions to work from and couldn't think of a story in advance.
You can read the resulting piece below:
I can see the rain lashing against the windscreen as I pull the car up alongside my destination. Pausing for a moment I am left in the cramped car with only the sound of my heavy breathing to accompany me. The stench of fast food fills my nostrils as I turn the ignition off. I take one more deep breath before lifting the door open. It creaks and gets jammed, only halfway up. Giving it a shove I manage to wrench it fully open, the door now providing some cover from the pouring rain. I put one of my vintage 2000 Starcross converses onto the wet gravel and hear almost instantly the crunch of the ground and the squelch of the puddle I have stepped in. Sighing with annoyance I slam the door back down with a creak and approach the brightly lit building to my left. I find a path leading to the entrance which is partially covered by some hanging trees and decide to take that route. I get halfway to the door before noticing the name on the letterbox just outside the block of flats. 'Mr J Fox - Number 6' it reads. Breathing heavily I look up at the tall blue and white building. Its design looks more like something from the 21st century rather than the 22nd. Above the building it has an out of place holographic sign which reads 'Paradise Homes'. Seeing my cold breath float in the air I approach the old wooden door and press my thumb down on the wooden latch. Its hard, yet warm to the touch despite the cold weather. Pushing hard I enter the bright interior of the sterile white lobby. Despite its cleanliness, I feel sick and want to leave. However, I remember I have a task at hand and enter further. A large fire blazes in the middle of the room, casting shadowy figures on the fish tank ceiling I see above noting that nearly half a dozen fish reside in it, obviously a recent addition to the building along with the fire place. Feeling the damp coursing through my converses and trench coat I decide to take off the latter, placing it on a nearby couch and pull a cigarette from my jeans. Placing my watch next to the cigarette I light it with a small flame that extends from the side of the clock face. Probably the only 'modern' thing I own. I examine the room as I put the illegal substance to my red lips.
"If I'm going to do a big crime, I might as well start of with a small one" I hear myself saying aloud as I savour the long intake of Mars' purified tobacco.
I look at the clock projected behind the service desk and notice it is already two in the morning, three hours behind schedule. I find myself smiling, no one is around to stop me smoking and it feels great. I take one final reviving drag before dropping the stub on the floor, not caring about the mess I make since these types could do with some instead of boring cleanliness. I look up and wave a hand at the round camera just above the stairway leading to the other floors, a confident yet sinister smile spreading on my face.
"I'm coming for you Fox," I say looking straight at the camera as I pull out the 6 millimeter pistol tucked behind the back of my denims and proceed up the marble staircase at a sprint, leaving the trench coat behind, I no longer need it.
My long black hair flows behind me as I am suddenly full of adrenaline, excitement, from running up the stairs, not knowing if its because I know what I am about to do or not. Whatever it is however, I haven't felt this free, so in control for years.
I reach the final three steps leading to his floor and decide to enjoy taking each one. I look down and count.
First step, the rain has done a real deal to my antique shoes. I hope I can save them.
Second step, still no dust. God I hate boring cleanliness.
Third step, I am about to reminisce about the rain splashing against the window when I hear a loud crash and stop in my tracks.
I pause and listen in the direction of the corridor next to me. Heart racing as I raise the pistol and slowly peer around. A potted plant lies broken by the last door, Mr Fox's door!
Robin Foale, 1/5/2013
Overall people really liked my story and I got the following comments.
- Our lecturer noticed I was wearing converses today and therefore was intrigued that I used something I was actually wearing to help me understand how the character felt whilst wearing them, especially when covered in water.
- They liked the use of telling time and place without directly saying it. Also using words like antique to make the shoes seem older to the rest of the setting.
- Liked that I used the word 'modern' when referring to the watch/lighter which stuck out for certain people when I brought it up.
- Was interested by my use of smoking and saying it was illegal. Was this in relation to our current anti smoking laws or something now more serious?
- Liked how the car door opened upwards instead of the usual way since it was something small that the audience would latch onto and would make them think of either a Delorian or a futuristic car.
- Managed to reveal effectively using subtle words more associated with the female gender such as 'red lips' to tell the audience the character was female. Thus my listeners liked this method.
Myself I was interested when someone else in the group came up with an idea almost identical to mine since it was set in the future and also raining. Yet it was our two different writing styles that made them stand out from one another.
Next week we will be talking about our plans for our main project and how we wish to hand it in. Our lecturer mentioned briefly that she has had work handed in as graphic novels, manga's, written on train tickets, scratched onto a toaster and even given as a message in a bottle.Therefore I hope I will be able to come up with something just as creative or at least relative to my piece. However, she would also like a digital copy so she can save it.
Task for next week:
Go to a pubic space and write for twenty minutes in character about what I see and how it makes me feel. Try and leave it to the reader to guess where the character is and if possible do two different examples.
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